parenting

What I learned being a parent

LazyteaLeave a comment

I have two daughters**. One Millennial and one Get Z; 14 years apart. Both are now adults and the youngest lives on her own though I see her nearly everyday. My husband died 10 years ago when the youngest had just turned 10. Thankfully, we had laid a solid foundation as parents; but, we were also unaware of existing challenges. I continue to find myself in a parenting relationship to both women; although we are more equals now.

What I have learned:

From the first breath – NEVER be afraid to love and choose love. I am their only mother. Nothing is more important than my love and my expression of that love through kindness, time, attention, patience, and support.  They deserve my affection without condition. I believe they chose me to be their mother. However imperfect or challenged I may be; I never go wrong by putting them first.

Putting them first requires that I take care of myself as well; tending to my own mental, physical, and spiritual health. Two things get me through 1. Airplane safety (put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others) and 2. Remember to breathe (advice from a mother of four when I asked her advice on parenting multiple children – she told me to not forget my labor breathing exercises.) When in doubt stop and breathe.

Child development mirrors human development. Don’t expect your child to have a mature nervous system or thought pattern. Educate yourself on human development so you understand what is and isn’t appropriate for an age. For example, understanding of cause and effect isn’t really fully developed until a child is around 12. And, 3 year olds shouldn’t be “in their head” learning to read and write. In fact that’s really not appropriate until after age 7 and the change of teeth. Trust in this process!

Be a good example even when it means showing your weaknesses and flaws. 

Be emotionally intelligent. Probably the most difficult lesson for me to learn since I wasn’t raised with emotionally intelligent parenting.

Be in harmony with nature. Observe the phases of the moon & the tides. Watch how children behave in alignment with the weather and natural rhythms. Ever notice how sometimes at the grocery store it seems like every kid in the place is having a meltdown for no reason? Check the moon or environment.

You can’t please everyone. Set your intentions and infuse your parenting with purpose; but, don’t continually strive toward a goal or get attached to the outcome. Each child has their own life blueprint. As parents we are consulting engineers who remove obstacles and interpret the blueprint for them until they can take over for themselves. When I see myself as a guide and consultant, it’s easier for me to find the right action and words.

Treat the first child as through they were the 5th. Ask, “If I had 5 children would I be so concerned about this behavior or statement?” It really saves a lot of friction.

But, it is the friction of the bow that makes the violin sing; so, there will be friction. It’s my job to carefully apply the friction and tension to create melody.

Carefully choose your battles. Don’t ask too many questions and of course, don’t ask questions you don’t really want any answer to.

Parenting is not my job. It is my choice of relationship in the world. My value as a human doesn’t directly correlate to being a parent.

You will have challenges. Trust your purpose, their purpose, and the process. Guard against outside influence and criticism. Ultimately trust yourself and trust your child.

Keep the picture big! Don’t hyper focus on minutia. Think Globally – Think Universally. 

You are a child of the universe. No less than the trees & the stars. You have a right to be here. – Desiderata

 

**I had one boy who died at birth. Someday I will write about how he influenced me as a mother and as an individual. 

Agenesis of Corpus Callosum Behavior

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I really like this from the National Organization for Disorders of the Corpus Callosum

Below is an overview of the behavioral characteristics which are often evident in individuals with DCC. Please understand every individual is different. The abilities and characteristics for each child or adult with DCC may vary.

Delays in attaining developmental milestones (for example, walking, talking, or reading). Delays may range from very subtle to highly significant.
Clumsiness and poor motor coordination, particularly on skills that require coordination of left and right hands and feet (for example: swimming, bike riding, tying shoes, driving).
Atypical sensitivity to sensory cues (for example: food textures, certain types of touch) but often with a high tolerance to pain.
Difficulties with multidimensional tasks, such as using language in social situations (for example: jokes, metaphors), appropriate motor responses to visual information (for example: stepping on others’ toes, handwriting runs off the page), and the use of complex reasoning, creativity and problem solving (for example: coping with math and science requirements in middle school and high school, budgeting).
Challenges with social interactions due to difficulty imagining potential consequences of behavior, being insensitive to the thoughts and feelings of others, and misunderstanding social cues (for example: being vulnerable to suggestion, gullible, and not recognizing emotions communicated by tone of voice).
Mental and social processing problems become more apparent with age, with problems particularly evident from junior high school into adulthood.
Limited insight into their own behavior, social problems, and mental challenges.
These symptoms occur in various combinations and severity. In many cases, they are attributed incorrectly to one or more of the following: personality traits, poor parenting, ADHD, autism spectrum disorders, Nonverbal Learning Disability, specific learning disabilities, or psychiatric disorders. It is critical to note that these alternative conditions are diagnosed through behavioral observation.

In contrast, DCC is a definite structural abnormality of the brain diagnosed by an MRI. These alternative behavioral diagnoses may, in some cases, represent a reasonable description of the behavior of a person with DCC. However, they misrepresent the cause of the behavior.

Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum Revelation

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IMG 5045Well it’s been quite a week. First Mico had a vet visit which went very well; but, requires that I manage supplements, new food, and massage daily. Then my 2012 Hyundai Santa Fe needed a new Intake Manifold and apparently new spark plugs and valve covers for a whopping $1,200.  Then, Wednesday I needed to take the SUV back to the shop because it was overheating. 

The heat moved in with the wildfire smoke from Oregon & Canada so being outdoors became rather miserable. THEN early Friday morning Maybelle, my youngest daughter now 20, sent me her MRI findings via text. My world jolted into a new paradigm.

She has near complete agenesis of the Corpus Callosum. 

Agenesis of the corpus callosum (ACC) is one of several disorders of the corpus callosum, the structure that connects the two hemispheres (left and right) of the brain. In ACC the corpus callosum is partially or completely absent.  It is caused by a disruption of brain cell migration during fetal development. ACC can occur as an isolated condition or in combination with other cerebral abnormalities, including Arnold-Chiari malformation, Dandy-Walker syndrome, schizencephaly (clefts or deep divisions in brain tissue), and holoprosencephaly (failure of the forebrain to divide into lobes.) Girls may have a gender-specific condition called Aicardi syndrome, which causes severe cognitive impairment and developmental delays, seizures, abnormalities in the vertebra of the spine, and lesions on the retina of the eye. ACC can also be associated with malformations in other parts of the body, such as midline facial defects. The effects of the disorder range from subtle or mild to severe, depending on associated brain abnormalities. Children with the most severe brain malformations may have intellectual impairment, seizures, hydrocephalus, and spasticity.  Other disorders of the corpus callosum include dysgenesis, in which the corpus callosum is developed in a malformed or incomplete way, and hypoplasia, in which the corpus callosum is thinner than usual.  Individuals with these disorders have a higher risk of hearing deficits and cardiac abnormalities than individuals with the normal structure. Impairments in social interaction and communication in individuals having a disorder of the corpus callosum may overlap with autism spectrum disorder behaviors.  It is estimated that at least one in 4,000 individuals has a disorder of the corpus callosum.

EVERYTHING makes sense now. I’ve spent the past few days going over her life in my mind. All the signs were there. We came so very close to professionals who could have made the diagnosis. It took an optometrist to actually order the MRI. My emotions are all over the place: sadness, grief, anger, disappointment, relief, joy, surprise,… Shifting gears from trying to get her up to “normal” into supporting her as she discovers her new normal which can’t be ike anyone else’s takes a lot of fitness of the clutch. I’m doing research and reviewing all my thoughts and feelings form the past 20 years.

Here are some of my first impressions:

* Professionals like nurses, doctors, teachers, & therapists should be familiar with ACC and know the symptoms. Had one person had the basic information that my niece said she did get in her basic college level psychology classes, we could have known that Maybelle had challenges that were not related to her personality or work ethic. And, was not related to what we were doing with parenting, diet, environment, behavior modification. I could have known that I was trying to teach a fish to climb a ladder. Would have saved me so much energy and time not to mention have given her the early intervention she needed.

* I can’t know how she perceives the world. She cannot know how I do. We can have conversations and accommodations; but, we live in very different worlds.

* Those with hidden disabilities are frequently discriminated against. This is particularly problematic for people with ACC because they don’t have the social cues or context for how to handle it. It’s the point where discrimination becomes abuse. Also, professionals who think they know it all but don’t know about ACC will send her down trails to nowhere in therapy or rehabilitation. I need to find ways to identify this and help her to learn to identify this and deflect it. She needs to build a strong sense of self as a person with ACC.

* As parents and teachers (I homeschooled my children), we take on great responsibility. Sometimes this responsibility is misplaced. I was once told by my therapist that homework completion is between the teacher and student and not something parents should get involved with. We are tempted to think it is our responsibility to hack education or parenting to offer support and resources in the right way for each child. With Maybelle this was impossible. Her behavior was annoying – interrupting, inattention, deflecting, stubbornness, rejection, lack of interest in anything really, inability to perform physical tasks. I tool on responsibility for all of it. In this full moon, I have released all of that. It was something I needed to learn. It’s easy once the child reaches adulthood; but, not if one feels like you have failed that child. My doctor was concerned when May wasn’t toilet trained at 18 months. I wasn’t, “some children just take longer.” She was toilet trained at age 3. Her dad tried very hard to teach her to ride a bike or climb a tree. She only learned to ride a bike at 18 and is still not the best bike rider. Now, it all makes sense. As parents we sucked with May but how could that be when we felt so successful with Jean May’s older sister? Now – we know though May’s father is no longer around to share this revelation.

I will post again as we head down this uncharted trail. Be Happy! Be Kind! Count your blessings!