I have two daughters**. One Millennial and one Get Z; 14 years apart. Both are now adults and the youngest lives on her own though I see her nearly everyday. My husband died 10 years ago when the youngest had just turned 10. Thankfully, we had laid a solid foundation as parents; but, we were also unaware of existing challenges. I continue to find myself in a parenting relationship to both women; although we are more equals now.

What I have learned:

From the first breath – NEVER be afraid to love and choose love. I am their only mother. Nothing is more important than my love and my expression of that love through kindness, time, attention, patience, and support.  They deserve my affection without condition. I believe they chose me to be their mother. However imperfect or challenged I may be; I never go wrong by putting them first.

Putting them first requires that I take care of myself as well; tending to my own mental, physical, and spiritual health. Two things get me through 1. Airplane safety (put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others) and 2. Remember to breathe (advice from a mother of four when I asked her advice on parenting multiple children – she told me to not forget my labor breathing exercises.) When in doubt stop and breathe.

Child development mirrors human development. Don’t expect your child to have a mature nervous system or thought pattern. Educate yourself on human development so you understand what is and isn’t appropriate for an age. For example, understanding of cause and effect isn’t really fully developed until a child is around 12. And, 3 year olds shouldn’t be “in their head” learning to read and write. In fact that’s really not appropriate until after age 7 and the change of teeth. Trust in this process!

Be a good example even when it means showing your weaknesses and flaws. 

Be emotionally intelligent. Probably the most difficult lesson for me to learn since I wasn’t raised with emotionally intelligent parenting.

Be in harmony with nature. Observe the phases of the moon & the tides. Watch how children behave in alignment with the weather and natural rhythms. Ever notice how sometimes at the grocery store it seems like every kid in the place is having a meltdown for no reason? Check the moon or environment.

You can’t please everyone. Set your intentions and infuse your parenting with purpose; but, don’t continually strive toward a goal or get attached to the outcome. Each child has their own life blueprint. As parents we are consulting engineers who remove obstacles and interpret the blueprint for them until they can take over for themselves. When I see myself as a guide and consultant, it’s easier for me to find the right action and words.

Treat the first child as through they were the 5th. Ask, “If I had 5 children would I be so concerned about this behavior or statement?” It really saves a lot of friction.

But, it is the friction of the bow that makes the violin sing; so, there will be friction. It’s my job to carefully apply the friction and tension to create melody.

Carefully choose your battles. Don’t ask too many questions and of course, don’t ask questions you don’t really want any answer to.

Parenting is not my job. It is my choice of relationship in the world. My value as a human doesn’t directly correlate to being a parent.

You will have challenges. Trust your purpose, their purpose, and the process. Guard against outside influence and criticism. Ultimately trust yourself and trust your child.

Keep the picture big! Don’t hyper focus on minutia. Think Globally – Think Universally. 

You are a child of the universe. No less than the trees & the stars. You have a right to be here. – Desiderata

 

**I had one boy who died at birth. Someday I will write about how he influenced me as a mother and as an individual.